Thursday, December 30, 2010
For those of you who have only known me for a short time, I usually do a mass text to all my friends of the Insane Origins of a holiday as I believe them to be at that exact time (The origin may change yearly). So, I've decided to do it as a facebook note this time. I give you:
The Origin of Thanksgiving (2010)
A long, long time ago in a place far, far away (unless you live in Massachusetts, or Newfoundland for our Canadian friends).
The story goes that a group of dumbass Pilgrims got blitzed by a fast-coming winter and got their asses saved by some Indians (or Native-Americans if you wanna be anal about it). But the truth is much, much more important. Long ago in the Far off planet of Vestibule, there lived a race of hairy beings known as Klaatu (points for those who know where I stole that from). Unfortunately, some of the children were born smaller and hairless due to some radioactive corn or something. These were known as Pilgrims (which in their language meant hairless freaks). The Pilgrims got tired of freezing their asses off and left the Planet... Whatever-the-hell-I-called-it-before to find somewhere better. While trying to find the nearby 7-11 to enjoy some Slurpees, they got lost off the I-90 and crashed into a heap of a planet called Dirt (or Earth as it was locally known).
There they resorted to cannibalism and ate Dave cause he was kind of a whiner. He was pretty tasty. Kind of a flavorful taste that's you feel bad about washing down but have to eventually. When they were done, they chucked his remains into the woods which pissed off the Native Americans since they chose not to use all of his body. As an aside, does this mean that Karl and Ilse Koch were just following the Native American philosophy? I'll give you a minute to google them... Done? Good. Now some of you think I went too far in asking that question.
Anyway, back to the story. A long and bloody battle ensued between the Wampanoag and the Pilgrims ensued. However after about 15 minutes they all realized no one brought any weapons, so they resolved to Duct-taping sharpened sticks to woodchucks and letting them battle it out in an arena. Yes. I lied when I said the battle was long and bloody. Shut up. After the hard-won victory of Mister Fuzzy-britches over the savages' warrior, Tingles, The Pilgrims proposed peace and offered up a nice meal of leftover Dave. And, if you want, you can insert something racist happening the next day to explain Black Friday. I'm cool with that.
And that's how babies are born... No, wait... OK... What story was I supposed to be telling again?! OH, THAT'S SICK, Brandi!! Geezus...
Anyway, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
In what is to become surely one of many, I would like to post right now about an observation I had at work today. I was standing there, minding my own business when I overheard two belligerent overweight loudmouths begin to argue over who’s cars were better for NASCAR, Ford or Chevy. It got almost to the point of blows it seems, until the one guy’s wife (imagine that he had a wife) pulled him away (Ford guy), thus making him the defacto loser of the whole pointless argument. That’s when it occurred to me; NASCAR arguments were to Americans as religious arguments are to Islamic fundies. See, a lot of people don’t understand that the whole schism of Sunni vs. Shi’a Muslims has to do with who each sect thought should run the joint after Muhammed died in 632 A.D. (yeah, 1300+ years of bullshit over this- I know!) Sunni’s believe it should have been some dude named “Abu Bakr” and Shi’as believe it should have been “Ali”. There is a lot more minutiae to it as well, but the fundamental reasoning comes to “My guy is better than his guy!” which is akin to Bubba and Billy Ray discussing who’s car is better, Ford or Chevy. While the whole Ford/Chevy thing is much more current than something that happened over 1300 years ago, both arguments are essentially pointless and futile. Sometimes the Ford wins, sometimes the Chevy wins, sometimes the Dodge wins (Sufi Muslims? I dunno) and sometimes the Toyota wins. Sometimes a Sunni will kill his enemies, sometimes a Shi’a will, sometimes a Sufi will, sometimes a foreigner comes out of the bunch and kills his enemies (yeah, I just likened the USA to Toyota. Sue me). I don’t have the answer, but its my opinion that the whole mess could be solved with the repeal of the presidential order banning assassination. Let our S.E.A.L teams go in there and knock off a few Imams and Clerics that are annoying, leave a message that says “pick someone thats not a douchebag like Imam Massengill or we’ll be back!” and see if they can get it right. While they are at it, let the other S.E.A.L teams go after anyone with a mullet and a bad case of NASCAR wardrobe-itis.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Am I the only one who’s sick and tired of hearing the news add “gate” to the end of any scandal in existence? It was amusing when they started doing it shortly after the Watergate scandal in the early ’70s. but c’mon! 50% of the viewers watching TV don’t even know what Watergate was! Most of them don’t even give a shit about Nixon and if you asked them who he was, they’d probably tell you he was a head in a jar on Futurama. It was clever and witty to add “gate” to the end of a scandal when Watergate broke causing President Nixon’s resignation back in 1974, but now it’s horribly, horribly clichéd! And it’s being used for everything! It used to be that it was a major scandal (seeing as it’s namesake caused the downfall of the President of the United States) but what is it now, Veggiegate? Some people are raising a ruckus because vegetables picked on Iron Chef at the White House weren’t usable when the cooking segment was filmed over a week later? C’mon people! Just shut up and get the message Mrs. Obama wanted to get across and eat some goddamn vegetables! That’s right, put down the french fries, bloomin’ onions, and Ho-hos and eat some motherfucking broccoli!