For those of you who have only known me for a short time, I usually do a mass text to all my friends of the Insane Origins of a holiday as I believe them to be at that exact time (The origin may change yearly). So, I've decided to do it as a facebook note this time. I give you:
The Origin of Thanksgiving (2010)
A long, long time ago in a place far, far away (unless you live in Massachusetts, or Newfoundland for our Canadian friends).
The story goes that a group of dumbass Pilgrims got blitzed by a fast-coming winter and got their asses saved by some Indians (or Native-Americans if you wanna be anal about it). But the truth is much, much more important. Long ago in the Far off planet of Vestibule, there lived a race of hairy beings known as Klaatu (points for those who know where I stole that from). Unfortunately, some of the children were born smaller and hairless due to some radioactive corn or something. These were known as Pilgrims (which in their language meant hairless freaks). The Pilgrims got tired of freezing their asses off and left the Planet... Whatever-the-hell-I-called-it-before to find somewhere better. While trying to find the nearby 7-11 to enjoy some Slurpees, they got lost off the I-90 and crashed into a heap of a planet called Dirt (or Earth as it was locally known).
There they resorted to cannibalism and ate Dave cause he was kind of a whiner. He was pretty tasty. Kind of a flavorful taste that's you feel bad about washing down but have to eventually. When they were done, they chucked his remains into the woods which pissed off the Native Americans since they chose not to use all of his body. As an aside, does this mean that Karl and Ilse Koch were just following the Native American philosophy? I'll give you a minute to google them... Done? Good. Now some of you think I went too far in asking that question.
Anyway, back to the story. A long and bloody battle ensued between the Wampanoag and the Pilgrims ensued. However after about 15 minutes they all realized no one brought any weapons, so they resolved to Duct-taping sharpened sticks to woodchucks and letting them battle it out in an arena. Yes. I lied when I said the battle was long and bloody. Shut up. After the hard-won victory of Mister Fuzzy-britches over the savages' warrior, Tingles, The Pilgrims proposed peace and offered up a nice meal of leftover Dave. And, if you want, you can insert something racist happening the next day to explain Black Friday. I'm cool with that.
And that's how babies are born... No, wait... OK... What story was I supposed to be telling again?! OH, THAT'S SICK, Brandi!! Geezus...
Anyway, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!